Woes of Sexuality - A Matter of Being Confounding and Confounded at the Same Time

I'll be honest. If I didn't discover the world of debates, or study in KL, I wouldn't be as open-minded as I am today. Somewhat. In some things, I remain as narrow-minded as I have always been, but personally, I think I'm really and honestly more open-minded than I was before.

This open-mindedness has allowed me to discover the wonderfully confusing world of gender identities and sexuality - and the more I delve into it, I'm still not sure whether I've become more enlightened, or still in the dark as I had always been. I still don't know whether homosexuality is natural or a choice. I still have to ask some friends if I should refer to them as 'he' or 'she'. I mean that was what happened when I first talked to my best friend (who shall henceforth be known as Lucky Stars, in order to protect his privacy - and in case he accidentally comes across this blog). This is more due to my upbringing as a Muslim, but there you go.

Recently I've identified myself as pansexual, after so many years of delusionally thinking that I'm the "awkwardly straight Muslim" among my peers from all walks of life - and all sorts of sexual identities. Pansexuality, what does it mean? At first I thought it was something to do with being "gender-blind", but as it stands, there's more to it than just not giving a damn whether or not your crush is a man, a woman, a transman or transwoman, asexual, gay, lesbian. etc. I'll be honest again: I like women just as much as I like men. Two women getting it on together is enough to raise my libido to the roof just as much as two men or a man and a woman having sex together. As for actually imagining myself in that situation, let's just say I almost never imagine myself in a sexual position. These things are still very awkward to think about for a Malay Muslim girl like me. except I'm not 100% Melayu Asli but eh

One of Dina Zaman's writing from her book "I Am Muslim" strikes a chord in me, though. An article about being Muslim AND gay at the same time. How can you live with such when they contradict each other? How can this man who has earned the title of 'haji' be very relaxed about his gender when the very religion he and I follow condemns the act of homosexuality? Or by what Allah SWT talks about the people of Sodom and Gomorrah, He was referring to the act of sodomy and not the people who identify themselves as such? There are men out there who have wives and are straight in every which way, yet they still can find time to fuck underage or preteen boys. This was something implied in Hosseini's "The Kite Runner", yo.

We need to think about these things, especially when too many so-called 'ulamas, ustazs and ustazahs' are laying claim to knowing everything and anything about this beloved religion. This is my 2 years of over-analyzing everything I read speaking. Goddamit, Literature class.

I still don't know where I stand now that I am fully aware that I'm pansexual. A Muslim pansexual could land herself in a lot of trouble. But for now, I'll ask my other friends who knows more than I do about this, and just be content with it.